J.R. Stewart Quotes

Technology. It's like science, only useless.

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

Bill Russell, a famous philosopher from Boston Celtics once "When things go bad, things go bad." The [Iraq] war was terribly mismanaged-it was terribly mismanaged.

The President says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come."

The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Thus, I've created humour.

[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.

I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?