J.R. Stewart Quotes

Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.

In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Very few.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?

I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.

The American people, or at least the ones that I get on the subway with - they know there's a real threat out there. They felt like Iraq lessened our ability to fight that threat.

I don't think, if anything, I don't think it's a feeling of hopelessness that people feel. I think if they feel - if they're feeling what we're feeling, it's that this is how we fight back.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.

You have Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan... and Mario Lemieux. He's the best in hockey, in my opinion.

It almost makes the secrets more important, those few things you actually do choose to keep to yourself.

Success is always something completely different to people. I feel like I've succeeded, if I'm doing something that makes me happy and I'm not lying to anybody.

Vanity is a silly thing to be obsessed with because... it sounds cliché but it leads you to emptiness; it goes away.

I don't want to be a movie star like Angelina Jolie. Nothing about being a celebrity is desirable. I'm an actor. It's bizarre to me that everybody's so obsessive.

I don't believe in censorship.

It's impossible to always get across what I'm trying to say, but, if I just stay honest, then I'm not going to look back on any of these interviews and wonder what I was trying to do or be.

I want to be an actor, I am just not very comfortable talking about myself.

Sometimes your characters in films do things that you wouldn't do. You're not playing yourself all the time.

I'm not ready to get married, but I have a pretty great family and I'd like that too, someday.

I love being on the periphery with a group of people who have the same values that I do. People who don't get off on fame, who just like the process of making movies and thrive.

There's nothing weak about being subject to something.

As long as you make your own decision and do thing because it feels good to you, there will always be people who agree and people who don’t.

I am not closed off to anything right now. That is what I was saying about not having any more walls up. I don't want to deprive myself of any bit of life.

You're literally being an actor - you're pretending - and that's not what I like to do.