Janet Evanovich Quotes

I have bad car juju." -Stephanie Plum

You'd tell me if we were getting married, wouldn't you? I mean, you wouldn't just appear on my doorstep one day and say we were due at the church in an hour.

Turns out, that's how it is with weddings. You just keep getting in deeper and deeper until you want to throw up.

And when I was in the trunk, I saw Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. And Ozzy Osbourne.

Well, sure, but I don't bring God into it. I think shower massage might have been invented by the devil. God invented the missionary position.

With the exception of dessert, food is food.

This is war,' I yelled through the door. Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war.

Pete- What does a woman want out of marriage? Louisa- Undying devotion and a warm place to put her cold feet when she gets into bed at night.

I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn’t be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother.

Omygod, I haven’t got years. I’ll have to hide in the Bat Cave.” “Once you go to the Bat Cave it’s forever, babe.” Eeek.

He doesn’t look very smart,” Diesel said. “He’s not even giving me the finger.” “Can monkey’s do that?” Hal asked. Carl gave him the finger. “Cool!” Hal said.

And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.

You're such a cupcake.

they have enough testosterone between them, if testosterone were electricity they could light up New York City for the month of August

My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think

I don't know much about cars," Joyce said, "but I think someone took my engine.

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled. Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.

It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything.

I could use some help with an FTA. What's your problem? He's old, and I'll look like a loser if I shoot him.

Howie's doctor told him to lose ten pounds, and since Howie's been on a diet he's gained three.

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said. "I just enter. I don't usually break." "You broke down Pitch's door." "Lost my temper." -Ranger and Stephanie

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

I wasn't sure exactly how prostitutes determined price, but if men bought hookers by the pound, these two would be doing okay.

I want to see your tailpipe fading off into the sunset." Good luck, I thought. My tailpipe was somewhere on Route 1, along with my muffler.

I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies.

I wasn't dating anyone. I was fornicating with Batman.

Lots of times I'm not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward.

I've finally reached a stage in my career where I can do what I want.

These are desparate times." - Stephanie Plum

We don't usually write up accidents involving rabbits. - Joe Morelli

Good thing he's dead," Lula said, "or that would have hurt like the devil.

Everyone knows you can't see death cooties. Take my word for it, that couch has the biggest, fattest death cooties that ever existed. That couch has the mother of all death cooties. – Lula

How many times have I told you not to hit people in the face. You kick them in the body where it doesn't show.

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?

Kiss those cuffs good-bye." Lula from "Hard Eight" By Janet Evonavich

Just because i know how to change a guys oil doesn't mean i want to spend the rest of my life on my back, staring up his undercarriage.

I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?' That's what the psychiatrist said, but I think he's wrong. There's an evil flying pizza out there, and it's got Brenda's name on it.

Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while

I wasnt always a writer. When I went to college and majored in fine arts, I was a painter. Then I was a stay-at-home mom.

You're probably gonna find this hard to believe, but I was sort of weird when I was a kid." Salvatore "Sally" Sweet

About that proposal, cupcake..." Morelli

I exchanged my flannel shirt for a Rangers jersey and zapped the television on. Probably I should make more phone calls, but the Rangers were playing and priorities were priorities.

Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now." Valerie - To the Nines

Looks like you're on a roll. This is the second car you've toasted this week." Carl Costanza - Hot Six

As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper.

Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons" Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones

What's this outfit? You can't afford clothes? Are you wearing other peoples?" Helen Plum

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms." Joe Morelli