Jay Leno Quotes

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.

I'm not a person who carries my emotions on my sleeve.

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline.

The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can't blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.

The circus doesn't stop. A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election. How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.

Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.

Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.

At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.

Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker.

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.

The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.

Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.

We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.

More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.

Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.

According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad, when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet.

Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France.

If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.

I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

Like in [the 1950s] if you wanted to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood you claimed he was a Communist. Nowadays, you want to ruin someone´s career in Hollywood, you claim they are Republican.

You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra has charged the Bush administration with keeping programs secret from Congress. Somehow no one from Congress reads the New York Times, I guess.

"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.

It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.