Jay Leno Quotes

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'

Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.

President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'

The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks.

When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States.

You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.

Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?

John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her - at her bank.

Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster!

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

At Ken Lay's funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?.

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? "Does the Devil really wear Prada?"

Researchers in England say tall men are more likely to have more children than short men. Here in America we call that the NBA theory.

Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going.

Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.

President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.

The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'

U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!'

Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.

How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?

You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.

For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'

To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'

A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye's fried chicken. So, great, instead of oil for food, we're giving them oil in food.

Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.

With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000.

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'

It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

An evangelical minister has had to resign after pictures surfaced showing him in a hot tub with two women. He claimed it was just a baptism gone terribly wrong.

With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.

Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday

The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.

The worst thing about losing this job: I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.

There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head.

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.