Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.