Jeff Ross Quotes

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.

Comics just don't retire. They either die young or they go to 100.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

You have such a huge career ... behind you.

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.

Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.

South Park called...they want their everything back.

I like to roast things from the inside out. I like to know what's going on.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.

I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.

Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.

Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.

Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.

I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley.