Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.

I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

Change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day.

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.

This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

I love Alfa Romeos and that [Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio] was tremendous.

[on the BMW X3] If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

If I like somebody else's tribe I'm going to promote the hell out of it. The whole thing is a democracy, and if somebody's more popular then good luck to them.

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

...it seemed appropriate that I should develop some kind of illness. This is a good idea when you are at a loose end because everything, up to and including herpes, is better than being bored.

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.

All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?

Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'

I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?

Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.

Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?

It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom

My epiglottis is full of bees!

They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.

Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you're going.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.

Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?

Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.