Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

I am speechless: I have no speech

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'

I love advertising because I love lying.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.