Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

The best revenge is living well.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

Success is the enemy of comedy.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.

A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day