Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.

There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?

I like definitive things.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

But I don't want to be a pirate!