Jim Gaffigan Quotes

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."