Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

Cancer is always funny.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.

One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.