Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.

I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.

The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.

It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I just want to be known as funny.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

We tend to outdo ourselves.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.