Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.

I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.

There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.

I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.