Jim Norton Quotes

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.