Jim Quotes

I don't think I own any US stocks, if I do its very few, so few I can't even remember.

Why shouldn't I milk it? We're an agricultural institution.

There's no country in the world that's more devastated from natural resources than Afghanistan.

Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

George Brett could get good wood on an aspirin.

The first time I was in this state recruiting, that's when I knew I wanted to be a Gator, because I saw the influence and saw what it's all about. This goes a long time.

We win or the alumni bash in our teeth. (On the dental plan at NC State)

We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may not save my life. It may save my children's life. It may save someone you love. And it's very important.

I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever.

I learned this a long time ago. If you call a guy into your office and shut the door, if there’s media around, it sends up a red flag. I never wanted to embarrass a player.

I talked about my family, my family's so important.

I don't think fatherhood's changed me so much as it's conjured protective instincts I've had all along.

Teach your children or your grandchildren Chinese. It is going to be the most important language of their lifetimes.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

Everyone wants to beat us. So you can never take a single game lightly.

The Packers have lots of owners nobody knows instead of one owner who doesnt know squat.

Governments throughout the English-speaking sphere are creating and then ratcheting the torque on "hate-speech" laws with frightening eagerness.

So when the only domestic social policy is tax cuts that mostly benefit the wealthiest Americans, we say, 'Where is faith being put into action here?'

I have had to make a cross of two logs, and lie down on it, to show the Indians what it means to crucify a man.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

The people who have more money and goods than any people in the history of the world spend most of their time worrying about not having enough.

God deliver me from the dread asbestos of “other things.” Saturate me with the oil of the Spirit that I may be aflame.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

The great thing about social movements is everybody gets to be a part of them.

Our choice is between cynicism and hope.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

And as a true athlete, mistakes haunt you forever.

Be on guard, my soul, of complicating your environment so that you have neither time nor room for growth!

Why?' is the prophetic question.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

I'm like a bottle of milk with gloves.

Most plays that are missed by the umpire are caused by the umpire not reading those cues early enough and making the proper adjustments.

When I hear anything derogatory towards the Raiders, I am definitely hurt.

There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I don't think anyone should pick a candidate for any office based solely on gender. That would be, I believe, a mistake.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.

God, I pray light these idle sticks of my life and may I burn up for thee.

I'm not giving the president a blank check, period.

The wealth of a society isn't measured at the top, but at the bottom

There's a reason the Third World came in third.

Tell the President to stand up to our enemies, not cower to them or make excuses for them!

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

I think Ray Guy and John Madden for sure should be in the Hall of Fame and Cliff Branch should be as well.