Jimmy Carr Quotes

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

How many airports are there in the world?

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.