Joan Rivers Quotes

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.