Joan Rivers Quotes

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Never floss with a stranger.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.