Joan Rivers Quotes

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.