Joan Rivers Quotes

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Self-pity shortens your life.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

I am furious about everything.

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.