Joan Rivers Quotes

Can we talk?

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

I was my own buddy in camp.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

I was not an attractive child.

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

I’m never without a bandage.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin veneer that they will not break for you.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.