Joan Rivers Quotes

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

What we do is a calling...we make people happy.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

Never floss a stranger.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Having a baby can be a scream.

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't makeit through one door, I'll go through another door -- or I'llmake a door. Something terrific will come no matter how darkthe present.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.

I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.

He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.