Joe E. Lewis Quotes

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

I drink to forget I drink.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

I play in the low eighties. If it's any hotter than that I won't play.

It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor as long as you've got money.

You only live once - but if you work it right once is enough.