Johnny Carson Quotes

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Only lie about the future.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.