Jon Stewart Quotes

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.

I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.

Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.

You're your own play.

What good are images if people understand them?

People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.

I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

Making it [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an ok day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read or have a white wine spritzer.

Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.

I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent.

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.