Jon Stewart Quotes

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

The government that governs best, governs best!

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.

It's like hunting cows

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'

Technology. It's like science, only useless.

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

Bill Russell, a famous philosopher from Boston Celtics once "When things go bad, things go bad." The [Iraq] war was terribly mismanaged-it was terribly mismanaged.

The President says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come."

The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.

In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.

The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'