Jon Stewart Quotes

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Thus, I've created humour.

[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.

Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high?

The Book of Mormon is so good it makes me f**king angry.

I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.

In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.