Jon Stewart Quotes

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Very few.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?

I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.

The American people, or at least the ones that I get on the subway with - they know there's a real threat out there. They felt like Iraq lessened our ability to fight that threat.

I don't think, if anything, I don't think it's a feeling of hopelessness that people feel. I think if they feel - if they're feeling what we're feeling, it's that this is how we fight back.

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.Those fighting to keep those people out - are.

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

[Hearing] was distinct from listening, which could only be achieved when hearing was combined with giving a shit.