Josh Stern, And That's Why I'm Single: What Good Is Having A Lucky Horseshoe Up Your Butt When The Horse Is Still Attached? Quotes

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

positivity is the father of reinvention

If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

When people try to rain on your parade, ...pee on theirs

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for

It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity

If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of