Josh Stern, And That’s Why I’m Single Quotes
When people try to rain on your parade, ...pee on theirs
When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs
Manners without sincerity, is called polite society
Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity
If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway
Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what
If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse
The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert
I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing....
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity