Justin Halpern Quotes
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.
If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.
On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.
Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.
Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.
I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.
You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.
That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.
You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.
There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it.
The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.
Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.
... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.