K. Mitch Quotes

[Obama's reelection] would subject the country to what might be a fatal last dose of statism.

The true enemies of Social Security and Medicare are those who defend an imploding status quo.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

We don't have to fix anything.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I feel Britannia High is aimed at an older audience than High School Musical. Britannia High is more of a serious drama, with the music and dance on top.

People need doorways to explore universal religious and ethical ideas.

Once the social and spiritual opening was created for women in the form of spiritualism, suddenly ambitious women who wanted to participate in the culture had a kind of a voice.

You have to understand as a marketer that consumers are functioning in the age of efficiency.

When a consumer derives value - especially from something that was given to him for free - he becomes the best kind of evangelist.

Forcing free market plans to compete with these government-run programs would create an unlevel playing field and inevitably doom true competition.

More women are graduating from college now than men.

We [Democrats] are looking for things that we think would make a difference, improve the country, and enjoy some bipartisan support.

Some people perceive Skinner to be complex. I just basically was trying to remember my lines, so I guess that's what they perceive as being complexity.

I pitch like my hair is on fire.

The dead sit at our tables long after they have gone.

There is everything you know and there is everything that happens. When the two do not line up, you make a choice.

When hope is gone, time is punishment.

I am in love with Hope.

For better or for worse, I've watched people die in front of me. I see how they are in the end. And they're not cynical. In the end, they wanna hold somebody's hand. And that's real to me.

How could he find perfection in such an average day? Then I realized this was the whole point.

A memoir should have some uplifting quality, inspiring or illuminating, and that's what separates a life story that can influence other people.

Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all.

Bad news has no limits. We often feel it should, like a rainstorm that can't possibly get any heavier. But a storm can always worsen, & the burdens of life can too.

And if you don´t commit? I asked. Your choice. But you miss what´s on the other side. What´s on the other side? "Ah" he smiled. "A happiness you cannot find alone

I hate to be like everyone else, but I'm rooting for San Antonio because I like teams that were built the old-fashioned way.

I certainly believe in limited government but protecting children against injury abuse is certainly inside my sphere of things that the government should do.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'