K. Mitch Quotes

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

The customer’s always right.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.

The day I get too big for myself, my mum will slap me down!

Britannia High is this new, edgy series which follows the lives of seven kids, their friendships, and the troubles they go through at stage school.

I think therapeutic spirituality has largely been a help in the modern world. So the fact that people can approach religion with practical needs.

When spiritualism dawned, suddenly women who wanted to engage in the civic and religious and political culture were becoming transmediums.

Women had no clerical role anywhere in the Western world, period.

Mobile is no longer about what you can do on your cell phone. Mobile is all about doing more, all of the time.

One of the things that the Hillary Clinton campaign has done, I think all the mayors in America would agree, is have a detailed plan about how that money actually gets down to the ground fast.

The city of New Orleans showed America what it takes to rebuild a great place. We're all going together, and we're not leaving anybody behind.

The people of New Orleans have gotten to rock bottom. And the only way out in my mind is for them to really understand it, and then to really choose to get better.

I love Mardi Gras. I'm a street rat.

I think if you see that no one is going to laugh at you for it, I think the concept of living nicely will be infectious. I believe there is room for the absence of cynicism.

To call somebody a Jewish composer is obviously redundant.

I was in the army, and I had given up the thought of being a composer.

In 2008, we had barely put our first album out and a lot of people were unsure about us on that tour. But the crowds were insane to say the least.

To be honest, we're really nervous right now. It's our third album, so it's gotta be our best and biggest.

I don't think there's any equivalency between the way that the Russians conduct themselves and the way the United States does.

If you've got a brand new administration coming into office you want to have, at the very least, a national security team in place on day one.

Mitt Romney has spent his entire life finding ways to solve problems.

I think it's not just Republicans who would like to see the Senate run differently. I think there are a reasonable number of Democrats as well.

What happens in committee if the committee functions, more often than not, not every time but more often than not, a bill comes out with bipartisan support.

Tiger Woods and John Edwards had a better year than the stimulus bill.

I know how it feels when you're coming into a new situation, that the other guys won the election.

It seems with every new day, we have a new veto threat from the president.

Americans don't think we should be raising taxes on anybody, especially in the middle of a recession.

I think the important thing to remember here is that we haven't been attacked again at home since September of 2001.

I'm in favor of doing tax reform, but I think tax reform ought to be revenue neutral as it was back during the [Ronald] Reagan years. We've resolved this issue.

What we do know is that the American people, regardless of how they feel about the abortion issue, don't think that taxpayer money ought to be used to pay for abortions.

We ought to make sure that the eligibility for entitlements meets the demographics of America.

It's not music, it's a disease. (on rock'n'roll)