K. Mitch Quotes

You don't build yourself up by putting someone else down.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

What you have done to this point cannot be undone. What you do next... It is still unwritten.

I think with a lot of producers, they think computers can create the best drum track, or guitar track and it comes off as too artificial.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

the words people do not speak are louder than the ones they do.

I've often wished we had more women in the Senate.

It's important to remember that some of our best sources in the war against radical Islamic terrorism are Muslims, both in America and overseas.

You have peace," the old woman said, "when you make it with yourself.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

People are only mean when they are threatened.

The most important elements of faith [are] believing in something bigger than yourself, taking care of those less fortunate than you.

If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's going to happen anyhow.

Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Belief, hard work, love–you have those things, you can do anything.

Much of what we called "depression" was really dissatisfaction, a result of setting a bar impossibly high or expecting treasures we weren't willing to work for.

There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.

If we knew what comes next, we never would have worried.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

Once, lovers on faraway shores sat by candlelight and dipped ink to parchment, writing words that could not be erased. They took an evening to compose their thoughts, maybe the next evening as well.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

A heart weighs more when it splits in two; it crashes in the chest like a broken plane.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I don't know about Heaven or Hell, but I do know that we are visited all the time by the spirits of those who affected us in life.

I refer to the debt - the new red menace. This time consisting of ink.

The perverse presumption that places the burden of proof on the challenger of spending must be inverted, back to the rule that applies elsewhere in life: 'Prove to me why we should.

I'm being made aware of my mortality all the time.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

You can't hide behind race any more. You can't hide behind class structure any more. You can't hide behind family. You need to produce.

Knowing something and understanding it were not the same thing.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

The secret to happiness...be satisfied and be grateful.