K. Mitch Quotes

There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things" -he sighed- "these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do? Morrie Schwartz

Ends are for yesterday, not tomorrows.

The public is increasingly disgusted with a steady diet of defamation, and prepared to reward those who refrain from it.

Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to.

Sometimes, love brings you together even as life keeps you apart.

It’s not contagious, you know. Death is as natural as life. It’s part of the deal we made.

When you are measuring life, you are not living it.

The more you defend a lie, the angrier you become.

Keep it simple, keep it sexy, keep it sad.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

Once you can understand where the conversation is, who leads, the type of voices and the best place for you to add your voice, you can then start becoming a more active participant.

Giving to other people makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not what I look like in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they were feeling sad.

It's not going to happen if you wait for the boss to tell you to make it happen.

While other state governments stiff their vendors, close parks, delay tax refunds, and ignore unacceptably poor service levels, Indiana state employees are setting national standards for efficiency.

There is no fair in life and death. If it were, no good men would die young.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

sometimes what you miss the most is the way a loved one made you feel about yourself.

The debt they ran up in the first year of the Obama administration is bigger than the last four years of the Bush combined.

For years I wrote in my basement. More recently I graduated to one floor above, an office with all my books and music and - ta da! - a window.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

Aging is not just decay, you know, its growth.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I think it is to the advantage of my state to have the opportunity to come to meetings occasionally and to vote in person, rather than just by proxy.

the pain we suffer is a way to make us appreciate what comes next.

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Public disclosure of campaign contributions and spending should be expedited so voters can judge for themselves what is appropriate.

Tension of opposites.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

The mortal enemies of Social Security and Medicare are those who, in contempt of the plain arithmetic, continue to mislead Americans that we should change nothing.

When you come to the end, that's where God begins.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Don't wait.

Our educational results lag behind other states, and other nations, but worse still, behind the potential of the kids and the devoted teachers in our classrooms.

The new troops in Iraq need to be Iraqi troops.