Karl Pilkington Quotes

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

A problem solved is a problem caused.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

A dog has got human eyes.

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

Every problem solved is a problem made.

We're just a weed in the universe

Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic

At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'