Karl Pilkington Quotes

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

I could eat a knob at night.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.

We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

People say if bees die out, the world would end apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document and people believe this.

I never buy a piece of art. I don't see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.

There is someone for everyone, i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.

It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

How would I know which one I was?

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep.

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.

There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it.

I'm just sayin', I don't like fun.

Every step starts with a step.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer.

The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.

Your dreams should never be better than your real life

That impresses me more, inventin' electricity.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?

Could the world fall?

Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.