Karl Pilkington Quotes

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.

Knowledge is almost annoying.

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!

You don't get anything done by planning

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.

I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?

That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.

I came up with a good idea... see-through skin.

Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

If you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings

You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut.

We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.

I'm more open to give things a go, but what I'm not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish, I just go, I can't be doing it.

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there.

So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.