Kinky Friedman Quotes

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

I've got a head of hair better than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq, you're old enough to drink.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it, so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

The people I respect all died broke and despairing. They didn't leave a lot of hammered iron behind them like Donald Trump has done.

There are more inspirational people in music than there are in politics.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

I came from an upper-middle class home, which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.

May the God of your choice bless you.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

I don't think where people come from is that important. It doesn't matter if you come from reality TV. The question is whether you can inspire people.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us.

You never marry the person you first see 'Casablanca' with.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.

Happiness is a moving target.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand, try the one at the end of your arm.