L.M. Fields Quotes

I like children - fried.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

I love my family in Baltimore. But on their side of the family, I love their cousin Charles Thompson, because he's from New York like me.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

The important thing is not being afraid to take a chance.

Be great at what you do, and don't ever settle for mediocrity or else you will always wonder how great you could have been.

Don't ever lose sight of your dreams. And, more importantly, reach for the stars.

We are here for a reason. We all have a gift or gifts to share.

You have to have passion when you're finding a recipe for a career. If you love what you are doing, you'll never work a day in your life.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

We all love conflagrations. When the sky changes color, it is a dead man's passing.

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I love being in the moment. I love my family. I love chocolate. I love baking.

Happiness is getting a brown gravy stain on a brown dress.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

You do not have to be superhuman to do what you believe in.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Once you find something you love to do, be the best at doing it.

If youre going to be at a job environment, you should love it. You shouldnt do it just for money. You should do it because you love it. And the money comes naturally.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.

Love is the reason for it all.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!

I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that you cannot make them at home for any less. And I still give cookies away.

I break all the rules and wear everything. Ruffles, ostrich feathers, fox coats. You look fat in fox anyway, so if you start fat, you only look a little fatter.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.