L.M. Fields Quotes

There aren't more lady songwriters for the same reason that there aren't more lady doctors or lady accountants or lady lawyers; not enough women have the time for careers.

Keep it in tune with the times, but don't write with the specific purpose of trying to create a hit. If you're doing it strictly to make money, you're crazy. There are easier ways to make money.

Love is the reason for it all.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

I use nothing but the best ingredients. My cookies are always baked fresh. I price cookies so that you cannot make them at home for any less. And I still give cookies away.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I really do believe that there's no such thing as coincidence. People come into our lives for a reason.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Love is the reason you were born.

If you don't have a story that will hold the audience, you won't have a successful show.

A rhyme doesn't make a song.

A song must move the story ahead. A song must take the place of dialogue. If a song halts the show, pushes it back, stalls it, the audience won't buy it; they'll be unhappy.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

Never work with animals or children.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Being good enough never is.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Too many people have a wonderful dream and just talk about it rather than do something about it.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

All I need as payment is a smile. That just really pushes me forward so that I'm always capturing the next opportunity to develop myself.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

..the best strategy for giving is a two-fold approach: a basic plan combined with a willingness to consider spontaneous giving when unique opportunities arise.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Is n't God upon the ocean Just the same as on the land?

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I had always been taught that life was the other way around -- that you had to make sure you got what was coming to you . . .

Inner sunshine warms not only the heart of the owner, but all who come in contact with it.