Larry David Quotes

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

I find human contact repulsive.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.