Lenny Bruce Quotes

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

Life is a four-letter word.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.