Lewis Black Quotes

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!