Lewis Black Quotes

Self-love is a big part of golf.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

How our government works... it doesn't.

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

Everybody's family has different values.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.