Lewis Grizzard Quotes

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

Spring time is the land awakening.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.