Lois Greiman, Unscrewed Quotes

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.