Louis C.K. Quotes

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?